


THE MOTHERFUCKER SAID I GAVE OFF "CHOKE ME VIBES" / yeah karkat is definitely addicted to porn

by melodicMasochist



Series: I think i'm addicted to making pesterlogs [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: "choke me vibes", Caliginous Intent, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Crushes, Dave isn't into "quadrant mindfuck bullshit", Dialogue-Only, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Flirting, Friendzone, Inspired by Roleplay/Roleplay Adaptation, Karkat Needs a Hug, M/M, Mentioned Terezi Pyrope, Minor Terezi Pyrope/Dave Strider, MxRP saved my life, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Pitch Flirting, Platonic hate, Poor Karkat, Roleplay Logs, Sexual Topics of Conversation, aka the titanic, before the friends to lovers arc, dave speaks with subtle tones of suppressed homoeroticism, getting denied, karkat is addicted to pornography, making discoveries about alien genetalia, nothing serious hes just looking at her boobs, talking about balls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 12:40:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18410846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melodicMasochist/pseuds/melodicMasochist
Summary: CG: YOUR HUMAN CONCEPT OF 'SEXUALITY' IS CONFUSING AND MAKES MY PAN ACHE.TG: and the interspecies concept of pornography makes my balls acheTG: what more do you want from meTG: waitTG: if all of you have the same junk thenTG: can you fuck yourself





	THE MOTHERFUCKER SAID I GAVE OFF "CHOKE ME VIBES" / yeah karkat is definitely addicted to porn

**Author's Note:**

> im on mxrp pretty much all day and night like a loser and sometimes good things can come of it

CG: UGH. IT'S YOU AGAIN. 

CG: I CAN'T GO FIVE MINUTES WITHOUT BUMPING INTO YOU IN SOME FORM OR ANOTHER. 

TG: in some form or another 

TG: you mean to tell me when you glance me in the hall your panties dont drop 

TG: i thought thats what was happening when you glare at me like that 

CG: OK, FIRST OF ALL. 

CG: IF I *DID* HAVE PANTIES, THEY'D REMAIN FIRMLY FIXED ON MY PERSON UPON SEEING YOU. GLUED, EVEN. 

CG: SECOND. 

CG: THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN TO TELL YOU. SEEING YOU MAKES MY BLOOD BOIL. 

TG: i guess i mistook you for someone with an ounce of emotion receptors stored away in your dense little brain 

TG: any other receptors than the ones that tell your blood to boil when you see me 

TG: maybe you should get that imbalance checked out 

TG: i hear thats called being fucked in the head 

CG: JUST THE ONES THAT I RESTRAIN FROM LETTING ME DECK YOU. 

CG: OH, PLEASE. AS IF I'M THE ONE TO GO TO ABOUT AN INSUFFICIENT PAN. YOU'RE NOT A GOOD EXAMPLE YOURSELF, YOU HEINOUS FUCK. 

TG: oh so im heinous now 

TG: heinous and riddled with dead brain cells 

TG: karkat let me pose you a simple fucking question on that topic 

TG: because i know youre heinous and riddled with dead brain cells but what am i 

CG: OH, REALLY. WE'RE GOING WITH WIGGLER COMEBACKS NOW? 

TG: literally all youve done so far in this encounter is call me dumb albeit in a very lengthy and unnecessarily drawn out way 

TG: which seems to be your huge fucking specialty 

TG: im getting kind of sick of hearing you talk and fucking talk though 

TG: you never actually fucking do anything about it but complain 

CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD, YOU ARE THE MOST INSUFFERABLE BASTARD I'VE EVER HAD THE DISPLEASURE OF MEETING. SERIOUSLY. YOU ARE *SO* FUCKING HAUGHTY AND FULL OF YOURSELF. 

CG: I'D WISH YOU'D DROP THAT WHOLE 'HOLIER-THAN-THOU' PERSONA FOR LIKE, TWO SECONDS. IT'S GETTING BORDERLINE REPULSIVE. 

TG: i thought you already knew i was repulsive 

TG: smelled it on me first time you came over to my inbox to sniff my ass about something you needed 

CG: YEAH, I SMELL A LOT OF THINGS ON YOU. 

CG: NONE OF THEM PLEASANT. 

TG: oh whats that 

TG: sniff sniff 

TG: i smell some fucking bullshit over here 

TG: youve been frolicking around in the cow pen again havent you 

TG: you just cant get enough of that liquid cow shit 

CG: OH, WOW, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT! I STAND HERE, COMPLETELY DEVOID OF MILKBEAST FECES. 

CG: COMPLETELY CLEAN. I SMELL LIKE FRESHLY STEAMED LAUNDRY. 

CG: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME *YOU* CHANGED YOUR CLOTHES, THOUGH? 

TG: just a few minutes ago right after i just got done fucking your sister 

TG: she borrowed a shirt from me in fact shes probably just rubbing herself while she wears it as we speak 

CG: OK, FIRST OF ALL. 

CG: I DON'T HAVE 'SISTERS'. NO TROLL DOES. 

TG: the universe birthed you one just so i could spite you and fuck her silly 

CG: EITHER WAY! THAT'S SOME HUMAN INSULT YOU PULLED OUT OF YOUR WASTECHUTE THAT DOESN'T EVEN APPLY TO US, YOU CULTURALLY INEPT FUCK. 

CG: SECOND OF ALL, YOU REEK OF VIRGINITY. TRY FEIGNING THAT SHIT ELSEWHERE. 

TG: what can i say just another day never dull in the life of dave strider 

TG: you just wish that were true so you didnt feel so bad about your own 

TG: what kind of a sexless man keeps around a bunch of dusty old porn novels quite like karkat vantas does 

TG: nobody 

TG: because nobody is that lame 

CG: I– 

CG: I DO NOT KEEP AROUND PORN NOVELS. 

CG: IT'S ROMANCE LITERATURE WITH UNDERTONES OF EROTICISM. 

CG: THE FOCUS IS ON THE ROMANCE, IF YOU EVEN BOTHERED TO READ THEM. 

TG: romance 

TG: you mean porn 

CG: NO!!! 

CG: NOT PORN. 

TG: yes 

TG: yes porn 

TG: the whole fucking genre is a shitty coverup for those few precious paragraphs of steamy dry butthumping 

TG: no i get it 

TG: you gotta have some sort of plot with your porn right i mean its just not fun without the background 

CG: OK, NO. NOT AT ALL. 

CG: IT'S NOT PORN. 

CG: I DON'T STROKE MY BULGE WHILE READING, YOU WEIRDO. THAT'D JUST GET SLIME ON THE FUCKING PAGES AND IT'S NOT NEARLY AS PORNOGRAPHIC AS YOU'D LIKE TO IMPLY. 

CG: THE LUST IS ONLY THERE TO FURTHER HEIGHTEN THE INTIMACY BETWEEN PARTNERS. 

CG: IT'S NOT SOME CHEAP SHOT AT PORN. 

TG: listen man i dont need to really know about all of your slimy dick issues its not really my problem if you cant get it up when you jerk off 

TG: porn is porn 

TG: it just happens that karkats erectile dysfunction seems to make him differentiate the nonexistant differences between good and bad porn as a coping method 

CG: I DO *NOT* HAVE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!! 

CG: I CAN JERK OFF JUST FINE. I'M TRYING TO LECTURE YOU ON THE IMPORTANCE OF EROTIC FICTION IN LITERATURE. 

CG: YOU'RE JUST AN UNEDUCATED FUCKER. 

TG: the importance of erotic fiction in literature 

TG: jesus fuck dude listen to yourself 

TG: youre so balls deep in pornographic denial youre fucking making up fake names for it to make it sound like its something different 

TG: erotic fiction is porn dunkass 

CG: NOT. PORN. 

CG: IT'S TASTEFUL. 

CG: PORN IS NOT TASTEFUL. 

TG: god give it up already 

TG: you do realize that erotic and pornographic are *literal* synonyms right 

TG: youre throwing the same word at me and trying to tell me its something different 

TG: i know my fucking language alright 

TG: theyre the same 

CG: OKAY, YOU'RE SUGGESTING READING AN EROTIC NOVELLA IS THE SAME AS WATCHING A PORNO. 

CG: WHICH IS *VERY MUCH NOT*!!!!!!! 

TG: if you can fondle your balls to it all the same its still smut karkat 

CG: MY WHAT? 

TG: your balls dipshit 

TG: did you remember to reattach them when you were fucking off into your novellas last night 

CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN ON ABOUT. 

CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE? 

TG: holy shit dude 

TG: how have i been so blind 

TG: you never even had any fucking balls to begin with did you 

TG: hahahahaha 

CG: WHAT. 

CG: OF COURSE I DON'T. 

CG: THAT'S WHAT I'M TELLING YOU. 

TG: fuck that is RIPE 

TG: how the fuck do you not have balls 

TG: did you accidentally cut those off too when you performed your home circumcision on yourself in the 3rd grade 

CG: WHAT THE HELL ARE BALLS!!!! 

CG: YOU'RE LITERALLY SPOUTING FUCKING NONSENSE! 

TG: im literally not 

TG: you know 

TG: the human testes 

TG: the sack 

CG: HUH??? 

TG: my fucking god 

TG: how have you read so much smut and never come across a ballsack 

TG: do you read exclusively girl on girl 

CG: OBVIOUSLY NOT. I DON'T READ HUMAN PORN. 

CG: ARE YOU SUGGESTING YOUR GENITALIA IS DIFFERENT WITH GENDERS? 

TG: yours isnt 

CG: NO?? 

TG: what the fuck 

TG: how do you tell each other apart even 

TG: if im fucking a troll how the hell am i supposed to know if its a dude im shoving my dick inside or a chick 

TG: how 

CG: I WANT YOU TO REALIZE HOW FUCKING STUPID YOU SOUND. 

CG: IS TEREZI A GIRL OR A BOY. 

TG: well i assumed tz was a girl but now i am questioning everything in my reality as i knew it 

TG: she could be a fucking drumstick at this point 

TG: all known senses of social ability have left me with this revelation 

CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD. 

CG: FEMALES HAVE RUMBLE SPHERES. 

CG: I'VE SEEN YOU GAPE AT THEM, YOU FREAK. 

TG: all i fucking know is any pair of nice tits i see including hers could be fake 

TG: ever heard of a drag queen karkat they have fake tits 

TG: you never know 

CG: DO YOU CHECK THE GENITALS OF EVERYONE YOU MEET? 

CG: IS THAT HOW HUMANS DIFFERENTIATE IT? 

TG: obviously not its more obvious than that 

TG: hey if tz didnt have boobs like she does i would think she was just another one of the dudes 

TG: youre all kind of 

TG: androgynous 

CG: IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER TO US WHETHER OTHERS ARE MALE OR FEMALE. 

CG: YOUR HUMAN CONCEPT OF 'SEXUALITY' IS CONFUSING AND MAKES MY PAN ACHE. 

TG: and the interspecies concept of pornography makes my balls ache what more do you want from me 

TG: if all of you have the same junk then how the fuck does that work 

TG: can you fuck yourself 

CG: EW! 

CG: I MEAN, YOU COULD, YEAH. 

CG: BUT THAT'S UTTERLY DEPRAVED. 

TG: yeah maybe 

TG: but sometimes a girl is horny and desperate 

CG: I'M NOT A GIRL. 

CG: THAT SHIT ONLY HAPPENS DURING LIKE, HEATS. PRIME DESPERATION. 

CG: BUT THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT. 

TG: well dont come around to my room humping my leg like a dog or nothing 

TG: ill have to cancel you 

TG: and why would you want to hump my leg when you could literally hump anything else 

TG: including yourself 

CG: I LITERALLY WOULD NEVER, EVER, IN A THOUSAND PERIGEES, GO TO YOU DURING MY HEAT. 

CG: I WOULDN'T HUMP YOUR FUCKING LEG EITHER, YOU FREAKSHOW. 

TG: i dont know karkat sometimes you talk to me and i just keep picking up all of these choke me vibes radiating from your being 

TG: i think if you were in heat youd show up on my doorstep with a bottle of lube and your panties dropped just ready to go 

TG: but hey man imma have to decline 

TG: i dont fuck angry troll boys 

CG: ALL YOUR PITCH FLIRTING WOULD IMPLY OTHERWISE. 

TG: pitch 

TG: shut the fuck up dude 

TG: what does that even mean other than horse shit 

CG: WHAT. 

CG: GOD, YOU ARE SO CULTURALLY FUCKING INEPT. 

TG: no i want you to fucking explain it to me 

TG: you cant just sit here and fucking accuse me of flirting with you and then leave me in the dark about it 

CG: Y'KNOW, LIKE. CALIGINOUS INTENT. 

TG: no 

TG: no fucking way dude 

TG: you gotta stop reading so goddamn deep into this 

TG: i fucking hate you because youre an outright asshole not because i want to fuck you 

CG: OH. 

CG: OH, YOU PLATONICALLY HATE ME. 

CG: OK. 

CG: THAT MAKES SENSE. 

CG: AHEM. 

TG: fuck what 

TG: were you seriously coming at me with that quadrant mindfuck bullshit wrapped around your intent 

CG: HAHA, WHAT? 

CG: NO. 

CG: DON'T BE RIDICULOUS. 

TG: oh my fucking god you totally were you transparent balllicking motherfucker 

TG: look 

TG: im not into that kind of thing 

TG: if you wanted to get into my pants you should have just took me out for a nice fucking dinner or something 

CG: YEAH, THAT MUCH I'VE FUCKING GATHERED. 

TG: sorry to disappoint and fucking hate friendzone you 

CG: YEAH, NO, IT WAS MY FAULT FOR GETTING MY BULGE ALL TWISTED WHEN YOU CLEARLY DON'T UNDERSTAND TROLL CUSTOMS. 

TG: well youve explained it to me enough 

TG: and okay yeah maybe sometimes i say shit because i know itll make you react but that doesnt mean i wanted to get here 

TG: ... 

TG: with you hatedrooling all over me 

TG: which 

TG: you could literally do any other time in any other fashion i dont get why the whole caliginous thing was an important step here for you 

CG: ALRIGHT, YOU'VE SHAMED ME ENOUGH FOR MY PITCH ADVANCES. NOW YOU'RE LAYING IT ON A LITTLE THICK. 

TG: its not the end of the fucking world 

TG: hey 

TG: if you talk to me tomorrow maybe ill be in a more pitch mood than i apparently usually am 

CG: OH MY GOD, EW. THIS WHOLE INTERACTION IS MAKING ME WANT TO CRINGE TO DEATH. 

CG: FORGET I SAID ANYTHING. 

TG: good ill do that and continue heckling you whenever i get the chance 

CG: GOD. 

TG: what now 

TG: are you mad because i didnt drop to my knees and bend over for you 

TG: ... 

CG: NO. I'M NOT MAD. 

TG: you were really getting into it werent you 

TG: and i just shattered your hatefuck dreams 

CG: NO. 

CG: FORGET IT. 

TG: man did i really hurt your feelings 

TG: is there a button i can press to take it back 

TG: i dont like it when youre all 

TG: quiet and shit 

TG: freaking me out a little 

CG: IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL. JUST DROP IT, OK? 

TG: im not convinced 

CG: WELL, CONVINCE YOURSELF. 

TG: well fuck 

TG: what if i dont want to convince myself 

TG: youre making me kind of feel bad here since i apparently smashed your heart into a thousand little shards of black glass 

CG: THAT WASN'T THE INTENT! 

CG: JUST FORGET IT! IT WAS NOTHING. 

TG: no clearly it wasnt since youre now being so fucking cagey about it but hey 

TG: ill fuck off 

TG: and you can fuck off to do your own grieving thing or whatever 

TG: sound like a deal 

CG: DEAL.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you all for reading my discord is hee hee#2294 if you want to hmu and rp


End file.
